The greatest Will Ferrell Doctor Skit EVER! "Script"

The greatest Will Ferrell Doctor Skit EVER! "Script"



I didn't write this. I found it on a forum. If somebody did write it, let me know so I can give credit. Or Link to it. Or whatever.

Crazy Doctor

Doctor.....Will Ferrell
Wife.....Maya Rudolph
Husband.....Darrell Hammond
.....Molly Shannon
Mr. Daverhill.....Jimmy Fallon
Mrs. Daverhill.....Renee Zelwegger

[ open on interior, Dr. Beaman's office ]

Doctor: You sure you don't want to use any drugs for the delivery?

Wife: Well.. we thought about it, and we really want to have a natural birth.

Doctor: Funny.. a couple of dopeheads like you.. I thought you would jump at a chance to get high illegally.

Wife: Excuse me! We are not drug addicts!

Doctor: [ twitches ] Huh? I'm sorry.. were you talking to me? Did you just tell me you thought I was attractive?

Husband: She didn't say that!

Doctor: Let's face it, chum.. the ol' Ball and Chain is into OPP, if you catch my drift..

Wife: Hey! You are really..

[ Molly Shannon runs in dressed as a nurse ]

Molly Shannon: Doctor! The Davenhalls have been waiting for nearly an hour!

Doctor: Thank you, Molly Shannon! Send them in right away.

Husband: We're not done!

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry. I double-book my patients so I can make more money and be happier with my life.

Wife: I think we want to switch doctors!

Husband: Yeah!

Doctor: [ stands ] Well.. knock yourself out, toots! But no one knows their way around your gyne-town like me!

Husband: You can't talk to people like that!

Doctor: Well, I just did talk to people like that Now.. scoot! [ pushes the couple out of his office ] Scoot it! Move it on out! [ stretches his arms ] Alright.. that should clear my schedule for the day.. at last, a little Me Time! [ sits down ] Better call Beverly..

[ the Davenhalls enter ]

Mr. Daverhill: Hello!

Mrs. Daverhill: Hi, Doctor!

Doctor: [ looks up ] Oh.. it's you.

Mrs. Daverhill: Is this a bad time?

Doctor: Frankly.. yes.

Mr. Daverhill: You scheduled this time..

Doctor: That is a lie, and you know it! [ sighs ] Since you're here, let's do this..

Mr. Daverhill: I wasn't lying, I.. [ they sit ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, everything seems to be pretty good. I can feel the baby kicking!

Doctor: Maybe he'll grow up to be a place-kicker! [ they all laugh at the joke ] ENOUGH!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Could you not yell like that?

Doctor: I have very upsetting and shocking news.

Mr. Daverhill: Oh, my God.. what?

Mrs. Daverhill: What..?

Doctor: After taking over 400 Polaroids of your Choo-Choo, I have detemrined..

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me.. what's a "Choo-Choo"?

Doctor: Heaven on Earh, my friend! Some people call it the Love-Llama. Anyway, after taking several hundred photos, I came to a startling conclusion that'll change your lives for- [ phone rings ] Hold on, this'll just take a second.. [ answers phone ] Hello. What? Why, I'd love to change my long-distance service! Yeah. Now? No, now's a great time for me! Hold on.. I've got call-waiting.. [ takes other call ] Hello? Bev-er-ly! My old friend! How are you? Oh, my God! I love Hungry, Hungry Hippos! No, I didn't know they had tournaments.. What?! Third place! That's fabulous! No, I'm completely alone right now. Please go on in great detail! Ohhh.. oh-ho-ho! Ahhhh! Eeeeee!! Ahhhh! [ Mr. Davenhall clears his throat to catch the doctor's attention ] Please stop doing that! What's that, Beverly? Yeah, I've got a couple of.. pieces of trash here in my office.. real stout..

Mrs. Daverhill: We can hear you!

Doctor: The guy's got this bony oblong head. Mmm-hmm. The kind you'd paid money to kick! And the chick's just an old-fashioned fatty, with a face like a rotten bee's nest.

Mr. Daverhill: Hey, you know, come on!

Doctor: Gotta go, old chum. Gott go. See you at the races. And, oh yeah.. sorry about your loss! [ laughs uproariously at the in-joke ] Well, the police were never that bright anyways! Alright, bye now! [ hangs up phone, then begins to hum to himself ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me?

Doctor: [ looks up ] Aaagghh!! Who the HELL are you?! Molly Shannon! Help me! HELP ME!!

Molly Shannon: [ runs in ] What?!

Doctor: Call the police! There's a couple of greasers here to rob me!!

Molly Shannon: Doctor, these are the Daverhills, you have an appointment with them, remember?

Molly Shannon: Ohhh.. I see. [ relieved ] Whoo!

Molly Shannon: Is there anything else, Doctor?

Doctor: No, I just thought they were greasers. Thank you, Molly Shannon, you are a delight!

Molly Shannon: As are you, sir! [ exits ]

Doctor: Now.. where were we?

Mr. Daverhill: You said you had some startling news for us..?

Doctor: What? Oh, yes! You're not pregnant.

Mrs. Daverhill: [ stunned ] Wha..?

Mr. Daverhill: How is that possible?

Doctor: It happens all the time. One of your kidneys just happens to be shaped like a baby.. and then you started to get fat.

Mrs. Daverhill: But.. we heard the heartbeat, and..

Doctor: That was the bass drum from the Toto cover band that lives next door.

Mr. Daverhill: What are you talking about?

Doctor: I'll be honest.. I don't know.. My mind.. my mind is elsewhere.. I got in a traffic argument this morning. This woman must have been at least 80.. and I slapped her, pretty hard, in the face. And then I ripped all the groceries out of her car and threw them in the street, and backed over them with my Humvee. I feel crummy about it.

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, you probably shouldn't do things like that..

Doctor: You SHUT that SMELLY MOUTH of yours NOW!! Or I'll SLAP YOU!! There I go again..

Mr. Daverhill: What's your deal?

Doctor: What's my deal, Bucko?! I'll tell you what my deal is! I'm gonna go KARATE on your FACE!! THAT'S my DEAL, HONCHO!! Huh?! Is that a good enough DEAL for you?! Huh?! Huh?!

Mr. Daverhill: [ cracking up ] Look.. I don't want to fight you..

Mrs. Daverhill: I think my water broke! Yes, I am having the baby! Ho! That was a contraction! Oh, God!

Doctor: [ jumps out of his chair and screams like a little girl ] What are we gonna do??!! Boil some blankets! Get some tofu! Tape some old episodes of "Benson"! [ Molly Shannon enters ] Molly Shannon, what are we gonna do??!! Tell me this is a dream!

Molly Shannon: Everything's gonna be okay! We're gonna deliver a baby!

Doctor: [ screams ] The HELL I am!! BLOODY MUDER!! BLOODY MURDER!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Is he a real doctor?

Molly Shannon: No, he's not a doctor, but he's an absolute gentlemen. Now, come on, let's get you to the hospital! [ leads the Daverhills out of the office as the Doctor continues to scream ]

Doctor: [ sighs relief as they exit ] That was a tough one! My dogs are barking.. [ sits, pulls socks off and props feet on desk ] Good God, what I put up with. Yee-ikes.

[ fade out ]

NHL Ice Rink Dimensions

NHL Ice Rink Dimensions

The NHL Ice Rink is 85 feet wide and 200 feet long.

Illustrated below:



These dimensions prove one thing, Anton Volchenkov REALLY missed the net in tonight's game versus the Devils.

Question: Can a Bat resemble a Vagina?

Question: Can a Bat resemble a Vagina?

Answer:

Action 8 Newswatch SNL Transcript

I've been searching and searching and searching for a video of Action 8 News from SNL. If anybody stumbles across it, please post the link as a comment on this blog post.

Thanks.

Here's the transcript (borrowed from http://snltranscripts.jt.org/99/99anewswatch.phtml)

Action 8 Newswatch

Connor Stands.....Jerry Seinfeld
Taffy Davenport.....Ana Gasteyer
Hale Breezy.....Chris Parnell
Sorrell Matthews.....Tim Meadows
Roger Sorkin.....Will Ferrell

Announcer: It's the 11 o'clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Stands and Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.

Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has been assassinated. But president of what? We'll tell you in the next half-hour. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: Connor, it's no bark and all bite for golden retrievers and other so-called family dogs. What's causing these sweet and furry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we'll tell you in a minute.

Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item - something we all have in our homes and are probably using right now - is found to be full of lethal poison. We'll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prison break, threatening to kill the first person he meets in a large public area. Coming up, we'll tell you where, and Hale Breezy's gonna guide us through this evening's approaching monsoon.

Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm is moving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I'll give you tips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!

Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: you won't find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter Sorrell Matthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insects in your community.

Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48 hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may or not be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourself from this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bug repellents.

Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in one common everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurological disorder. We'll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?

Connor Stands: Another hint: you can't bounce it. More on that deadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report, Newswatch's own Taffy Davenport asks the question, "Are We Really Safe?"

Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Our children? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safety products safe? A new study says no. I'll wrap it up for you later in the hour.

Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, nor is it made of plastic. And you don't even have to use it for it to end your whole life. I'll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: And you don't want to miss tonight's Roger Sorkin Minute.

Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler's kneecap? You betcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousin did! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parked car eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don't panic? No, panic! Panic! Don't miss a minute of the minute!

Connor Stands: This just in - that household product has just gotten deadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.

Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?

Connor Stands: You'll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy, at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top, live at the State Fairgrounds.

Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: he will be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what? We'll tell you after the break.

The Most Disturbing Picture I've Ever Seen

I know it's old, but seriously, this shit is messed right up.

Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson. Making out. Up close, it looks like Jenna's loose snatch. What is up with her bottom lip?



Seriously, look at that. My goodness.

Here it is one more time, JUST IN CASE!

Let's Get Dangerous - Darkwing Duck Theme Song Lyrics

Let's Get Dangerous - Darkwing Duck Theme Song Lyrics

My 5-minute MsPaint Darkwing Duck Rendering:


Darkwing Duck Lyrics

Daring duck of mystery,
Champion of right,
Swoops out of the shadows,
Darkwing owns the night.
Somewhere some villain schemes,
But his number's up.

(3-2-1) Darkwing Duck (When there's trouble you call DW)
Darkwing Duck (Let'sget dangerous)
Darkwing Duck (Darkwing, Darkwing Duck!)

Cloud of smoke and he appears,
Master of surprise.
Who's that cunning mind behind
That shadowy disguise?
Nobody knows for sure,
But bad guys are out of luck.

'Cause here comes (Darkwing Duck)
Look out! (When there's trouble you call DW)
Darkwing Duck (Let's get dangerous)
Darkwing Duck (Better watch out, you bad boys)
Darkwing Duck!

Saved by the Bell FTFW!!!!1

Saved by the Bell Theme Song Lyrics

Well, I wake up in the morning,
And the 'larm gives out a warning,
And I don't think I'll ever make it on time.

By the time I grab my books,
And I give myself a look,
I'm at the corner, just in time to see the bus fly by.

It's all right, 'cos I'm Saved by the Bell.

If the teacher pops a test,
I know I'm in a mess,
And my dog ate all my homework last night.

Riding low in my chair,
She won't know that I'm there,
If I can hand it in tomorrow it'll be all right.

It's all right, 'cos I'm Saved by the Bell.